October 20, 2014

The big day finally came. Bryce's mom had come up the day before so that Bryce and I could just leave for the hospital the morning of the big day and not have to worry about Peyton. 

So that morning we headed to hospital for the much awaited day.  We were excited to see that Tracy was our nurse when got there. We did a quick cervix check and I was already 6 cm and 90% effaced with a very low baby. At this point the outlook seemed promising. It was thought that after getting my antibiotics going that early afternoon they could just break my water to get labor going...since obviously most people aren't walking around at 6cm without being in labor. 

As the morning progressed we did an ultrasound to check the boys' positions.  Baby A was head down...really low. But he was also brow up, meaning that his head was tilted back a bit meaning he would come out face first...which is not desirable or depending on how tilted, even physically possible for baby.  

Because of his position there was talk about a csection....especially since baby B was still not head down. But we were told that ultimately it was up to us. We could try labor and see what happens...both boys could ultimately cooperate, or we could opt for a csection...but either way, breaking my water was no longer an option because of how baby A's head was. The water was kind of cushioning his head. So if we chose labor, I would have to be induced with pitocin. 

After much deliberation and many tears and with the support of our nurse who ultimately knew that I wanted to avoid a csection if possible, we decided that we wanted to proceed with labor. So pitocin was stared and labor progressed. We used an odd shaped yoga type ball to position between my legs as I layed on my side to try to help provide space in my pelvis for Baby A to move a little and hopefully shift his head position.  Most of my labor was spent moving from side to side with this ball between my knees. By this point I also got my epidural. The epidural was great...but it lowered my blood pressure which made me sick. So everytime it would lower my blood pressure I would throw up. Fun times! 

By about 7pm, I was sitting pretty steady at about 7cm and it was time to decide to either break my water and see what happens or decide to have a csection. It was suspected that Baby A's head had shifted a little and was in a little better of a position, but at this point the dr still couldn't guarantee I wouldn't need a csection. 

There were many more tears. And by this point I was so exhausted, I just wanted to be done.  I didn't know what to do. I wanted to go through labor and have these babies vaginally but I didn't want to risk the health and safety of anyone. I also didn't want to have csection if it wasn't necessary. After crying with Bryce and my mom for awhile, Bryce said he just wanted us all to be healthy and supported whichever I wanted to do. And my mom reassured me that the dr wouldn't let anything happen to me or the babies. Moments away from screaming "just cut them out of me",  I asked the dr one more time if continuing with labor was unsafe for either baby. He told me no. So I said, "break my water". It was expected that I would progress 1 cm an hour, making push time still 3 hours away. 

Shortly after breaking my water, my blood pressure dropped again and I was vomiting. Around 8pm I told the nurse I was feeling lots of pressure so she checked me. I was at 9 1/2 cm....I clearly progressed quicker than expected. It was time to go back to the OR for delivery. 

Bryce and my dad geared up to go back with me and I tried to remain calm not knowing what to expect. 

They took me back to the operating room, Bryce and my dad had to wait until everything was set up. So I was in this cold sterile room all by myself and a little freaked out. They moved me to a skinny little metal table that I would deliver on...much like the picture below. 

Finally Bryce and my dad came back, it was time. I don't know what time it was when I started pushing but it only took about 4 or 5 pushes for Baby A to come out. His head had shifted enough that he came out just fine face up. At 8:54pm Trevor Amen was born. He weighed 7lbs 2oz. Bryce got to hold him while they assessed via ultrasound how Baby B was positioned. He had flipped breech. The dr pushed down on my stomach to help rotate him. After a few ultrasound checks and quick turns over my stomach, he said baby B was flipped and ready. I didn't feel him pushing down on my stomach, but I could feel the baby rotating. 

My dad got to hold Trevor while I delivered Baby B.  He was in heaven getting to hold him. And after a little more effort, Jensen Reed was born at 9:27pm, weighing 6lbs 12oz.  After all those months of ultrasounds measuring baby B as bigger...he was smaller. And after all those hours of crying and labor, in the end I went with my gut and it all worked out...both boys were born vaginally with No problems!  We couldn't have asked for delivery to go any smoother. 

Tomorrow.....

Tomorrow is the big day! I have so many emotions running through me I can't even begin to sort them all out.  

I am excited to meet these boys that have been holding my body hostage for what seems like forever....I'm excited to share their names (finally) and see what they look like and hold and cuddle them. I'm excited to see Bryce with them. I'm excited to have Peyton meet her little brothers.  I'm excited to get my body back....or at least start to.  

I'm nervous and scared...about being induced and giving birth and facing the possibility of a csection.  I'm nervous about going from caring for one child to three...I'm nervous about how Peyton will handle it all.  Or how Bryce and I will even handle it all. I'm scared that I won't be able to do it all. 

I'm sad...that I can't keep the boys to myself anymore.  And perhaps weighing the heaviest on me right now is that I'm sad that all of my attention won't be for just Peyton and that she will have to share me (I keep being told that my love will not be shared it will multiply...so

I look forward to that feeling...versus what I'm feeling now).  

I'm worried...that despite my efforts of growing two strong healthy boys, something might be wrong and they still might need NICU time. I'm worried that I won't be able to be the mom I need to be to care for my 3 kiddos. I'm worried I'll be overwhelmed.  I'm worried I'll lose my patience.  I'm worried I won't be the mom they deserve.  I'm worried my dogs will feel even more neglected or abandoned. I'm worried this huge change will take a toll on my marriage. I'm worried I won't be able to handle sharing the boys with others...this was something I struggled with with Peyton, too. I'm worried all of my emotions will get the best of me. 

But despite all that I'm feeling...tomorrow is the day. The day we have been waiting 38 weeks for. There were many times I didn't think I would or could possibly make it this far...but I have.  I have successfully completed a full term twin pregnancy...with no bed rest and no complications.  This has been one hell of a ride...and I know tomorrow a new adventure is about to begin....

3 more days....

Eeeeekkk.....I can't wait to meet these boys!! (And see my feet again, and maybe even reach my feet again, and walk like my hips aren't dislocated.....)

Our last NST

Today was our last NST!!!! After weekly visits to the hospital for monitoring...today was our last one until babies are born!! And with true feistiness, these boys made sure it was eventful. 

Let me back track a little....I haven't talk much about out weekly NSTs, because usually they are pretty boring.  But every week for several weeks I have dragged Peyton (and Bryce) to labor and delivery at the hospital.  Since we have gone on the same day every week we have gotten to know many of the nurses.  They pretty much know who I am when I get there....and they all know and LOVE Peyton! She says "hi" to EVERYONE as we walk down the halls.  One of our favorite nurses, Jamie, will usually stop by to say "hi" and check-in with us even if she's not our nurse for the day.  She was the one that bumped up our induction from 8:30pm....to 8:00 am....love her!!  

We usually aren't at the hospital for more than an hour from start to finish. We have been lucky that most times they find the boys, monitor them for the needed time and then we are free to go. There have been a few times we have been there longer because Baby B is not cooperating...or holding still. But usually I know exactly where they are and how they are positioned making finding their heart rates pretty easy. But today was a whole different story....

Yesterday was a tough day, I was experiencing lots of pain and discomfort. I couldn't quite pin point what it was....but my body was off!  Last night, while the boys were doing their usual squirming, I told Bryce that I was pretty sure that Baby B had moved....I didn't know where he went or how he rotated but he definitely wasn't in his usual breech position. 

Today after much searching, our NST was only completed because one of our other regular nurses, Tracy, held the monitors on the babies the entire needed time. We spent nearly an hour trying to find both boys and keep them on the monitors. I had told Tracy that I was pretty sure baby B had moved...and our struggle to consistently find him proved that I was right. But we still weren't really sure how he was postioned. But we thought that maybe he was directly on top of baby A. Finally after the NST was completed, we did a quick ultrasound to figure out how they were positioned. Baby A is still head down (thank goodness), and baby B is oblique...he has basically started to turn head down and is kind of at a slant with his head down toward my hip. And I believe his little legs are right there with baby A's legs. 

But this pretty big flip that Baby B took on yesterday explains the mass amounts of pain my body is in (because, obviously, there isn't a whole lot of room left for this type of stuff). However, we are super excited that baby B is trying to position himself head down!!!

Jamie came by see us and said that she unfortunately isn't working on Monday when the boys will be evicted but that she hopes she'll get to see them when she comes in on Wednesday. Tracy said she is working Monday and will request to be our nurse...it will definitely be nice to have a familiar face if we can get one. 

We also got a little more information about how the delivery of twins works....I was a bit upset that this was the first we were hearing of it and will definitely ask our dr about at our appointment to tomorrow. But anyways...they said that all twins are delivered in the operating room just as a safety precaution (which ultimately makes sense) but because of the delivery taking place there, they only allow 2 people back during delivery. We weren't planning on having tons of people but we did want my mom and dad and Bryce's mom...they were all there with us for Peyton's birth and it was a great support system. So I was a little upset to learn our original plan wasn't going to happen. But it is was it and I will just have to deal with it; and hopefully get more information about it from our Dr tomorrow...at our LAST doctors appointment before babies!!! 

Still pregnant....

Well, I have officially made it to 37 weeks...a milestone many twin moms never hit. Most twins are born by now...not mine! These boys must be nice and cozy. At least someone out of this situation is comfortable (because I assure you, I am not!).

I have one week to convince these boys to come out on their own. And more realistically, to keep myself occupied.  I'm pretty sure I have already effectively driven Bryce crazy...but he'll just have to put up with me a little longer!

The one week countdown is officially underway.....

10 more days!!! (But who's counting!)

As we are getting closer it's hard not to count down the days and wait anxiously! Especially since we got our induction moved from the 20th at 8:30pm to 8:00am...that's like a whole day sooner! So my count down is at 10 days...so crazy! I can't believe that I can count on just my 2 hands the days until we get to meet our boys. Both of our families and our friends are anxiously waiting with us and anytime we call, they are hoping it's news that they are on their way.  

I'm still holding out hope that in the next 10 days these boys will come on their own. There are lots of natural self induction techniques out there, but because I'm already delivering early...I'm not really comfortable with most of them. 

So the last two days I have been doing "operation: walk these babies out".  Really it's kind of a joke, because my body can only handle so much but I'm giving it all I've got! On Wednesday, Peyton and I went to the mall. I only really lasted an hour...but it's still an hour! Yesterday, we met Bryce downtown for lunch. We actually did quite a bit of walking. We walked to lunch and back from lunch. We walked around his office for a bit chatting with others.  I was pretty tired and sore yesterday.  Goodnews is, sometime yesterday the babies pretty drastically dropped quite a bit. Hopefully it leads to something good.  Today's walking will likely be just getting some things done and cleaned up around the house. 

Ultimately my days are now filled with waking up and saying "Damn, I'm still pregnant!" Overthinking every little thing my body does or doesn't do....thinking, hoping it's a sign of...something! And ultimately trying to stay busy for the day so as not to drive myself or Bryce totally crazy.....only 10 more days!!

(Im)patiently waiting!

I seem to be recovering from my emotional break down from last week. It has helped that the past few days my body has been doing okay and my emotions are not completely out of control....and I will take a few days of sanity wherever I can get it!!

We had yet another doctors appointment today. It was long...lots of waiting and an unruly toddler.  At our ultrasound they did not measure for growth....I was totally relieved. There is something about measuring for growth and them telling me how big the babies are that causes me to cry. Bryce likes to constantly talk about how big the boys are and I have to remind him that while I'm excited they are healthy, talking about their size upsets me and causes a flood gate of emotions!! So not talking about their size at our appointment today was totally okay with me!

Rather, the ultrasound focused on the amniotic fluid level, the placenta, babies positions and of course, listening to the heart rates. 

The past few appointments there has been some...reasons...to keep an eye on the amniotic fluid.  About 3 weeks ago both babies seemed to have a lot of fluid. So we double checked my sugar levels, which were fine. While there is nothing wrong with higher levels, it's just something to be aware of. Than last week baby A's fluid level had decreased but baby B's was still a bit high. There was quite a difference between the two.  This week however, it was good to see that both levels we closer together and not considered to be higher or too low. Yay!!

Last week it was also noticed that the placenta was starting to get some calcifications.  Part of what makes my type of twins mo/di (monochorianic diamniotic) higher risk, is that because they are sharing one placenta the placenta can start to age sooner, meaning it starts to stop doing what it is supposed to. So while my placenta is starting to age, showing calcifications, it is still doing what it is supposed to! Yay!

Baby A has held strong at head down, for as long as I can remember.  However, Baby B is breech. So what does all of this mean??  Well, ultimately my goal has been to have a vaginal delivery and avoid a csection. Obviously, the ideal situation for this would be for both boys to be head down....but they are not. However, because Baby A is head down there is a chance that once Baby A is born, Baby B could flip on his own or the Dr can turn him, thus making it possible to have Baby B vaginally as well.  However, if he does not turn there is a possibility that a csection will be needed for Baby B.  Bryce and I were told that we could also opt for a csection for both babies. We ultimately decided against it. We are going to put our faith in Baby B, the dr and the powers that be, that Baby B will flip and we can avoid a csection. Fingers crossed!!!

I had also asked my dr today to check my cervix, as I have Braxton Hicks contractions all day long, I was curious to the progress that was being made, in hopes that there was some and these boys could maybe come on their own before the 20th.  I am currently dilated to 4cm and "...nice and loose" (hahaha..totally awkward to hear your doctor say!). She said that my body is definitely getting ready and when I start having contractions, not to waste any time getting to the hospital.

None of this really means anything...I could theoretically sit at 4cm until my scheduled induction on the 20th...but a girl can hope! Obviously I would rather go into labor naturally, than have to be induced...so I'll take the 4cm dilation as a good thing and perhaps a sign of hope!

But regardless...the countdown has officially begun in our house...well more so for me than Bryce (I think me counting down everyday would drive him crazy!!). Two weeks from now, there will be babies!! In fact, in 13 days my induction will begin...Eeek!!

In other news, Peyton has decided that right now is a good time to not sleep well during nap time and not want to eat.  She is getting in some canine teeth and I'm really hoping they are to blame for her lack of sleep and eating! She drinks a lot of milk right now, so I'm not too worried about the lack of calories and nutrition she is missing from not eating regularly....but man, these crappy naps are making me extra tired and her extra crabby. I hope that these teeth come in quickly and I can have my good little napper and eater back! Arg...but none the less...we are trying to enjoy our last few days with Peyton as an only child! <3

Self-loathing, pity party....because occasionally I need one

These last few weeks have been rough, to say the least. About a month ago I posted about hitting "the wall" and not being able to imagine it getting harder...oh how I have proved myself wrong.  What I thought was "the wall" was clearly just a speed bump.  

In the past few weeks my body has completely slowed down! I can't even explain how exhausted and sore my body is.  I tell my husband....every inch of me literally hurts!!

The bottoms of my feet are so sore and tender at times, that it hurts to stand up and I occasionally find myself walking on my toes because I just can't stand to put anymore pressure on the bottom of my feet.  

Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night with my knees aching...why?? I have no clue...maybe from being bent and having the pressure of my other leg on top of it. 

Me, going from sitting to standing is probably pretty comperable to that of a geriatrics patient going from sitting to standing.  I once broke my pelvis...and I'm pretty sure that I had more stability and less pain when trying to stand up with a broken pelvis, than I do now.  Between this and my feet, I usually walk very slow, with a waddle or a bit of a limp.

My belly is so big.  It doesn't seem to be getting wider...it just keeps growing outward, like a torpedo.  This makes sleeping so hard! Especially since there is so much baby in that belly.  When I was pregnant with Peyton, I remember one side being more comfortable than the other....this is currently not the case.  Both sides are uncomfortable. And I have to be fully surrounded and supported by pillows to get even a few minutes of comfort before I need to switch sides again.  My dad came up to help us fix a hole in the ceiling this last weekend and all he could say to my mom was "I can't believe how big her stomach is!" The skin on my stomach is so tight it constantly feels like it's going to burst!!  I'm convinced some days I'm going to have these babies alien style!

The top of my uterus literally comes right to the bottom of my boobs.  Like,

I'm talking, there is ZERO space between the two. This makes wearing ANY type of support incredibly uncomfortable and a bit painful after a short period of time. 

My back...it all hurts, all the time. My lower back, middle of my back, upper back....it all hurts at any given time. 

My arms...well, they are good! Woohoo...a part of me that doesn't hurt!! Until you get to my fingers...my joints hurt which means my fingers hurt to bend. 

Typically, one of 3 things is happening (though sometimes more than one occur at the same time): I am having contractions (which by the way

I learned today, they can last several minutes...super comfy), I have to pee (even if I just went 5 minutes ago), or I feel like I want to vomit.  

I have many days where I eat very little because I have no appetite...probably because there is so little room left in my body...despite this, I have 2 babies that weigh right around 7lbs each. I have no clue how they are continuing to gain weight...or even fit! I literally cry EVERY time we mention how big these babies are. It's like this reminder of how and why  my body is struggling!

But I only have to endure this a little bit longer...we have set a date!  I am set to be induced on October 20th at 8:30 pm. That means these boys will likely be born on the 21st....let the countdown begin!

P.S:

I apologize for my whining and complaining.  But yesterday was a pretty tough day for me...I'm pretty sure I spent more than half of it crying...so getting to verbally regurgitate all of this has made me feel a bit better.  Despite all of the whining and complaining that took place, I truly am blessed to be growing 2 very healthy boys.  Though someday, I will remind them of what I went through for them to be here!